Safe Inside: Struggling for Identity When No One Knows Who You Are

For years, everyone thought everything was fine. Mallory was a normal teenage girl with normal teenage troubles. She didn’t have many friends, but never went long without a boyfriend. Her mom did her best, but was nearly always at work. Her step dad had little to do with her when he was home, besides barking orders and assigning her chores. She was lost and lonely, but she would never let it show.

If you asked anyone who thought they knew her, they would say she was a strong, independent young lady. She was smart and stoic, a little shy, but no worse for the wear. No one knew she was dying inside. They didn’t see the scars or the fresh cuts each weekend. She hid them well. After three years, she learned the places to cut where no one would ask questions, not that they did, even when the wounds were left uncovered.

By 17 she had learned she was only safe inside herself. No one understood her pain. No one believed how alone, unwelcome at times, she was in her own home. To her family, she was a drama queen and just needed to calm down. By 20 years old, she had been through four men and even more boys, sexually. Her parents never would have guessed and certainly wouldn’t have approved. It wasn’t a life she was proud of living, but at least she was in fact living.

With the last guy, the cuts subsided and eventually stopped completely. They were replaced by new addictions. Her evenings were spent smoking pot and having sex. Weekends were filled with alcohol.But at some point, everything changed. She felt the need to get healthy and change those habits. She felt protective and she didn’t know why. She told Brandon she couldn’t be with him anymore because she knew she couldn’t marry him and raise a child in his lifestyle.

They parted ways and two months later, she found she was pregnant. Brandon wanted to get married, but she believed it wouldn’t be best for her child. They remained distant until the distance was nothing but a memory. He never met his child even. Mallory had a daughter who was very smart and beautiful. She raised her in church and instilled a love of God in her that was far from easy.

Her child was perfect, but did not cut the loneliness. At 24, she had two children and was still desperately lonely. Her mother demeaned her search for a husband and felt that she should focus on her children. Her father sat back quietly, as was typical of him.

She began to change her focus from a man to herself. She looked into different activities that she might be interested in. She soon discovered that all this time she was looking for something, she never once realized she was looking for herself. She dedicated herself to God. She began finding joy in art, crafts, photography, writing- things she had loved to do as a teenager and a child, but she had lost sight of when she got into the real world.

Once she had figured herself out, she found an amazing man. They were able to communicate in ways she never thought possible. While their relationship was far from perfect, she couldn’t have asked for more. Truthfully, if she hadn’t become so close to God and in turn, found who she truly was In Him, she never could have had such Joy!

God provides eternal peace that we can never find on our own. Mallory spent her life lost, running from God, because she thought He was too far removed to ease her loneliness. When she finally gave in and worked toward a meaningful relationship with the Lord, she found that, not only could He relieve the loneliness she felt Himself, but that He also provided her someone who could be there physically and support her and her children. 

How many of you are fighting God because you don’t know who YOU are? In Him, we can find our true identities as sons and daughters of Christ- sons and daughters who are perfect for the purpose He made us.

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