The Love Dare: It’s not just for spouses. Will you accept my challenge?

Hello all. It’s been awhile since I wrote. I’ve been working harder than usual for the class that I’m taking and for my job.

There’s something that’s been on my mind for awhile that I want to challenge everyone who reads this to attempt. I’m sure we have all heard of the Love Dare, made famous in the movie Fireproof. If not, it is a 40 day challenge intended to restore your marriage. I bought the book awhile ago, and read it over this past summer. I was not married or even in a struggling relationship at the time, but I found the daily challenges to be almost like a devotional. I would like you all to join me in this challenge. We can keep each other accountable and share success stories, as well as our fears of failing. We can uplift each other and encourage those who are getting down and giving up to push on.

Now here is where my challenge is slightly different than that of the book and the movie. Maybe some of your marriages are high on the hill right now and doing these challenges would be no different than living your daily lives. Maybe some of you aren’t even in relationships right now. That’s ok. When I read the book over the summer, I still completed each of the dares. However, instead of showing my love to a spouse or significant other, I chose to do the dares on my two children. Some I had to alter a bit, but that is just somewhere else we can help each other in succeeding with this dare.

Let’s start with Day 1:

Love is Patient

Be completely humble an gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. -Ephesians 4:2 NIV

     Love works. It is life’s most powerful motivator and has far greater depths and meaning than most people realize. It always does what is best for others and can empower us to face the greatest of problems. We are born with a lifelong thirst for love. Our hearts desperately need it like our lungs ned oxygen. Love changes our motivation for living. Relationships become meaningful with it. No marriage is successful without it.

     Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is. Those pillars are patience and kindness. All other characteristics of love are extensions of these two attributes. And that’s where your dare will begin. With patience.

     Love will inspire you to become a patient person. When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation. You are slow to anger. You choose to have a long fuse, instead of a quick temper. Rather than being restless and demanding, love helps you settle down and begin extending mercy to those around you. Patience brings an internal calm during an external storm.

     No one likes to be around an impatient person. It causes you to overreact in angry, foolish, and regrettable ways. The irony of anger towards a wrongful action is that it always spawns new wrongs of its own. Anger almost never makes things better. In fact, it usually generates additional problems. But patience stops problems in their tracks. More than biting your lip, more than clapping a hand over your mouth, patience is a deep breath. It clears the air. It stops foolishness from whipping its scorpion tail all over the room. It is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you, and shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil.

     If your spouse offends you, do you quickly retaliate, or do you stay under control? Do you find that anger is your emotional default when treated unfairly? If so, you are spreading poison, rather than medicine.

     Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief. You don’t get what you want and you start heating up inside. It is often an emotional reaction hat flows ou of our own selfishness, foolishness, or evil motives.

     Patience, however, makes us wise. It doesn’t rush to judgement but listens to what the other person is saying. Patience stands in the doorway where anger is clawing to burst in, but waits to see the whole picture before passing judgement. The Bible says “He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.” (Proverbs 14:29)

     As sure as a lack of patience will turn tour home into a war zone, the practice of patience will foster peace and quiet. “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anfer calms a dispute.” (Proverbs 15:18) Statements like these from the Bible book of Proverbs are clear principles with timeless relevance. Patience is where love meets wisdom. And every marriage needs that combination to stay healthy.

     Patience helps you give your spouse room to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the tough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure.

    Continued in comments:

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LOLITA: The selfish little…. WAIT WHAT!?

I often think that times were better back in the 50s. Everything seemed so much simpler. Sexuality wasn’t thrown in peoples’ faces the way it is now. Well, did I just get a reality check! My grandma was downstairs watching Lolita. If you’re unfamiliar with the movie, it’s the story of a middle-aged man who marries a woman in order to woo her 14 year old daughter. The young girl is, indeed flirtatious and sensuous. But this does not change the fact that she is a child and he is an adult.

My grandma has continuously made comments about how selfish and manipulative the young girl is. Now, I understand that the girl doesn’t have the greatest attitude, but is she not absolutely entitled to a numbness toward this man?! He has seduced her, controlled her, and molested her, yet SHE is selfish and has a bad attitude toward him?

Now I am beginning to see that every decade has had it’s major downfalls in the way society thinks. I see that present-day teens and pre-teens are being empowered in ways they never should have been, which also allows older men to fantasize and even act on those fantasies about young girls, with no consequence. At least, though, our young women are not being silenced. It makes me so sad for my daughter and all the young girls I know to think there was a time that they wouldn’t have been worth protecting. I think about the fact that there are many women out there who were taught to be accommodating to these sick men’s abuse. I feel for the once-young-and-innocent girls who were treated as if it was more important to obey your elders and to have a positive attitude to those who were above you than it was to distance yourself from someone who was harming you. 

Fortunately, I have seen something tonight. Although there are many ways we are moving toward more worldly ways and we continue to hurt others in our society, we are making some steps in a positive direction to protect our children. Even though girls are becoming sexually active at younger ages, they are finding a right in that to choose for themselves, instead of being abused and manipulated by “adults”. I have seen that we are starting to recognize children as little people, who need to be loved and protected. 

What do you think? Is this a step in the right direction? Where are we failing to protect our children? Should children be seen and not heard or do we need to give them a voice so that the ‘bad guys’ can be caught?

Should I have an abortion or a baby?

Imagine being a teenage girl asking yourself this question. A teenager should be asking herself what color dress to wear to prom, what movie to see on a Friday night, or whether she should choose her friends or her boyfriend for a fun evening out. Unfortunately, some teens have made the wrong decisions. This may have been a choice to sleep around. It may have been a choice to frequent parties and drink with a boy who took advantage of her. With the best or worst intentions in mind, teen girls end up pregnant all the time.

In 2006, approximately 742,990 girls between the ages of 15 and 19 became pregnant. Of these girls, a little over 19% had an abortion. (guttmacher.org US teen pregnancy trends p.7 <http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/USTPtrends.pdf&gt;) That is over 200,000 abortions, only in girls aged 15-19. For me, these numbers are terrifying. We ought to be asking ourselves why the facts show what they do. An overwhelming number of teen girls are becoming pregnant each year. That is a discussion for another day, though. Here I want to address why so many teenage girls have abortions.

There is no doubt that these girls are devastated by the thought of taking on the responsibility of a child. There are natural fears and pressures from families who do not want the responsibility as well. As much responsibility as is put on the child who became pregnant, though, I wonder how much we as Christians can affect a girl’s choice. I believe we have handled this particular situation, and so many others, completely wrong. We are not loving and forgiving as Christ has called us to.

Let’s use Maura as an example. She was a fifteen year old girl whose parents split when she was too young to remember. She never had a father figure and her mother was always working. Like most 15 year old girls, Maura just needed to feel loved. Her Christian mother did try to protect her daughter from making poor choices, but this led to her feeling isolated and different from her peers. All she wanted was to fit in. Eventually, she met a boy and fell hard for him. After a few months of dating, their hormones went wild. They both wanted to be loved, accepted, and close to each other, so one thing led to another. Long story short, Maura only had sex the one time. Her guilt got the most of her and she stopped talking to the boyfriend. He moved on quickly and she was alone again. After three months, she realized that she was not having periods. She took a test and her heart sank when she saw those two pink lines.

Now I am going to lay out some realistic expectations for Maura. Her mother, of course, will feel like a failure. She was not able to protect her daughter and feels guilt for the situation her daughter is now in because she left Maura without a father all of her life. Her mother is likely to take this guilt out on Maura and push her to find a boyfriend and get married, or to push to the opposite extreme and feel that Maura should not get into any relationship because she needs to focus on her child. Maura also goes to church. Whether anything is said or not, Maura will probably feel shunned and will not feel as welcome at youth activities. If she does go, many teens and adults will judge her without knowing any of her story.

As Maura goes into labor, her mom is likely to be hard at work to help care for the baby. The father has moved on already and Maura may never even tell him out of her own guilt. She will now feel the guilt of leaving her own child fatherless and keeping the news of the child away from the baby’s dad. She will feel little support from the church and may feel isolated and judged at best, condemnation for her and her child at worst. She will lose many friends and her religious family may shun her as she has now made worse mistakes than her mother.

Now let’s look at another option. Maura’s best friend, the only person she has yet to tell about the pregnancy, suggests they visit Planned Parenthood. No one will be the wiser and only she and Maura will ever know. With a 15 year old’s logic, the consequences will be as follows. She will have a huge secret to keep. What teenage girl doesn’t? She has already had sex, but with no resulting infant, that secret may be kept under wraps. She has no reason to tell the father of the baby or anyone else. She can move on with her life, having experienced sex, so she can talk about it to the cool girls at school like she almost knows what she’s talking about. She’s inexperienced and experienced enough with sex, depending how you look at it, that she can honestly tell her friends she will not do that until she’s married. The again can remain unspoken. No one at her church will criticize her and strangers will not look at her like a slut or “just another teenage mother”. She will get to experience that part of life she deserves.

Now how can we really ask how a girl could choose abortion? Out of fear, to put it simply. Out of shame, guilt, terror. As Christians, aren’t we called to love? Aren’t we called to heal the hurting and give to the needy? This is a prime example of where we are failing. Teenage mothers are still teenagers. The best things we can do to reduce teen abortion is to offer as much support as possible to these girls. We need to offer them forgiveness. They are still teenagers and they not only have a right, but a responsibility, to face that part of life.

During the teen years, a person discovers who they are and what they value. This will create consistency and stability for their child, once they have formed it. In early adulthood, young mothers need loving, consistent relationships. If they had these already, there is a high chance they would not have become teen mothers to begin with. These are some areas where we can help teen mothers, the children of teen mothers, and to lower abortion rates. Churches or individuals could offer a weekly or monthly “night out” of free babysitting. These girls may also strive from a mentor system, of more mature mothers who are willing to develop both a motherly, protective relationship, but also a deep, lasting friendship with these girls. These girls need to know that even though they have made poor decisions, we want to help them face the responsibilities of their consequences.

What would you do if you were Maura? What would you do if you knew Maura? Do you have any ideas of what we, as Christians, could offer to young girls who have become pregnant to encourage them to follow through with the pregnancy and delivery of their child?

Safe Inside: Struggling for Identity When No One Knows Who You Are

For years, everyone thought everything was fine. Mallory was a normal teenage girl with normal teenage troubles. She didn’t have many friends, but never went long without a boyfriend. Her mom did her best, but was nearly always at work. Her step dad had little to do with her when he was home, besides barking orders and assigning her chores. She was lost and lonely, but she would never let it show.

If you asked anyone who thought they knew her, they would say she was a strong, independent young lady. She was smart and stoic, a little shy, but no worse for the wear. No one knew she was dying inside. They didn’t see the scars or the fresh cuts each weekend. She hid them well. After three years, she learned the places to cut where no one would ask questions, not that they did, even when the wounds were left uncovered.

By 17 she had learned she was only safe inside herself. No one understood her pain. No one believed how alone, unwelcome at times, she was in her own home. To her family, she was a drama queen and just needed to calm down. By 20 years old, she had been through four men and even more boys, sexually. Her parents never would have guessed and certainly wouldn’t have approved. It wasn’t a life she was proud of living, but at least she was in fact living.

With the last guy, the cuts subsided and eventually stopped completely. They were replaced by new addictions. Her evenings were spent smoking pot and having sex. Weekends were filled with alcohol.But at some point, everything changed. She felt the need to get healthy and change those habits. She felt protective and she didn’t know why. She told Brandon she couldn’t be with him anymore because she knew she couldn’t marry him and raise a child in his lifestyle.

They parted ways and two months later, she found she was pregnant. Brandon wanted to get married, but she believed it wouldn’t be best for her child. They remained distant until the distance was nothing but a memory. He never met his child even. Mallory had a daughter who was very smart and beautiful. She raised her in church and instilled a love of God in her that was far from easy.

Her child was perfect, but did not cut the loneliness. At 24, she had two children and was still desperately lonely. Her mother demeaned her search for a husband and felt that she should focus on her children. Her father sat back quietly, as was typical of him.

She began to change her focus from a man to herself. She looked into different activities that she might be interested in. She soon discovered that all this time she was looking for something, she never once realized she was looking for herself. She dedicated herself to God. She began finding joy in art, crafts, photography, writing- things she had loved to do as a teenager and a child, but she had lost sight of when she got into the real world.

Once she had figured herself out, she found an amazing man. They were able to communicate in ways she never thought possible. While their relationship was far from perfect, she couldn’t have asked for more. Truthfully, if she hadn’t become so close to God and in turn, found who she truly was In Him, she never could have had such Joy!

God provides eternal peace that we can never find on our own. Mallory spent her life lost, running from God, because she thought He was too far removed to ease her loneliness. When she finally gave in and worked toward a meaningful relationship with the Lord, she found that, not only could He relieve the loneliness she felt Himself, but that He also provided her someone who could be there physically and support her and her children. 

How many of you are fighting God because you don’t know who YOU are? In Him, we can find our true identities as sons and daughters of Christ- sons and daughters who are perfect for the purpose He made us.

Teen Moms Like A Virgin

Tonight I was inspired by a blog, The Virgin Mary: A Christian Case for Respecting Teen Mothers <http://slutocracy.wordpress.com/2012/12/26/the-virgin-mary-a-christian-case-for-respecting-teenage-mothers/>

While I feel this blog was short, sweet, and to the point, I have another major point I could argue under the previous blog’s title. The point made in the original blog was sound. Christmas is a time of celebrating families, which includes young mothers and single mothers. It is brought up that teen mothers are “stigmatised” (SIC) by the most religious of all. While that is a valid point, I want to take the idea deeper into Christianity and our ideals, glorifying our God, not just making a point to man.

Beyond Mary being a young mother, beyond her being a mother at all, she was an imperfect human who was blessed directly by our Lord. Many of the American politicians who are so adamant that teen girls should not be mothers will also fight that abortion is NEVER permissible  They argue that any child that is conceived is a gift and a blessing from God. This is a blatant double standard.

Christmas is a time to celebrate God and His many blessings. I am a single mother and at Christmas, I feel empathy towards Mary. She must have been frightened and I am sure she felt judged. I imagine there were people telling her she shouldn’t be having a baby. I imagine there were feelings of doubt and fear in her mind. However, an angel of God told her she would bear a child and would name him Jesus.

The truth is two pink lines don’t speak a child into existence. A young girl making bad choices does not create life. Rape and molestation do not cause conception. Many women try to have babies for years and are unable. Many teens consistently have unprotected sex, but no pregnancies. Rapes occur without resulting in fetal development. Pregnancies can even last for months, in teen girls or grown women, without resulting in the delivery of a living infant. The absolute only thing that guides a sperm to fertilize an egg, the only thing that speaks life into an embryo, the only Being that has the power to see that little collection of cells into a full grown infant, ready to be born into the world, is God.

When we judge a teen mother or refuse to offer her the help and support she and her child need, and instead we damn and condemn her, we are judging God’s choices. We are putting down His creation. The Lord blesses those He so chooses with children for His reasons. We, as true Christians, need to see it is our duty to love and cherish every breathe of life the Lord breathes into existence. It is our responsibility to reach out as the hands and feet of Christ and give support. We shouldn’t stop judging because there were extenuating circumstances in which that girl didn’t sin. She did. Just as “All have sinned and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23) We should stop judging because that is where our right to be more Christlike ends. He is the only judge and He chose each and every mother as part of His perfect plan. It is our chore as Christians to pull these young women and sometimes men as well into the church to allow God to place peace and healing, strength and wisdom into them so their children may be better off.

In conclusion, I share a scripture from the Bible.

Psalm 127:3-5 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. 

Children are a heritage from the Lord. Even those that were not planned or conceived in the most appreciable manner are a gift from God. We need to treasure those gifts and help those they were given to take the best care possible of them.

2013 NYE List

2013 NYE LIST (Sort of my take on New Year’s Resolutions)

1. Get a tattoo
2. Get a piercing
3. Go on a “family” vacation (out of town with the kids)
4. Go on a “me” vacation (2+ nights away without the kids)
5. Hit one year anniversary
6. Be healthier
7. Become REAL full time at work
8. Get my own place
9. Sell my guitar
10. Make at least one “frivolous” purchase for me
11. Get on a routine
12. Be on time
13. Go on a “romantic” roadtrip
14. See JJ Heller in concert [again]<3
15. Complete my apprenticeship classes
16. Make some new friends
17. Write a love letter
18. Complete a summer reading list
19. Go bowling
20. Go bowling with friends
21. Talk to a stranger
22. Become a church member
23. Become a group member (mom? couponing? photography?)
24. Take more pictures
25. Worry less
26. Laugh until I cry
27. Hang out at a friend’s house
28. Learn about football
29. Play a video game (a real one…)
30. Get more organized
31. Start couponing
32. Apologize
33. Complete a small sewing project
34. Complete a large sewing project
35. Complete a small craft
36. Complete a large craft
37. Make a crazy good find at a thrift store
38. Eat sushi
39. Write some poetry
40. Clean the house and keep it clean
41. Finish reading ‘Atlas Shrugged’
42. Yoga
43. Get a record player
44. Wear hats
45. Grow stuff (like vegetables or herbs or something edible)
46. Buy more plaid shirts
47. Paint a picture
48. Learn a new skill
49. Eat at Qdoba
50. Declutter (and stay that way!!)

A Drop of Honesty: 25 years and counting

I wanted to share a story/poem that I thought a lot of girls might be able to relate to.

Here it is:

Once there lived a girl, whose name we needn’t know.

Her purpose was to be a mother, at least she believed it so.

It was all she ever wanted and by 17 she thought

If she only had more money, a man, and a job

She would have all that she needed to make her perfect life.

She would be a perfect mother and strive to be the perfect wife.

She packed all of her things and drove 3000 miles away.

She met a boy and fell for him on that very day.

Six months passed. She had a job. There was little left to want.

So they made plans, but they split before she found she was pregnant.

She kept the baby and believed she was as ready as she could be,

But started having doubts just before the baby had turned three.

25, she now believed, was the perfect age.

Up until she hit that year, she hadn’t set the stage.

Somewhere between 21 and now, she should have had a chance

To look inside herself and catch more than just a glance.

Just months before she was 25, the ache really sank in

“I know that I’m a mother, but other than that, I don’t know who I am”

She never got to travel, to question or to explore.

She never really had to the chance to look for something more.

She lost her shot at many things she wished she could have done,

And though she wouldn’t trade them for her daughter or her son,

If you’re this girl and wondering if you are ready or not,

Look inside and ask if you know just who you are.

Even things you don’t think you’ll miss, someday maybe you might.

If she could just delay this chapter, her whole story, she’d rewrite.

She would never give them up, but she keeps wishing she had waited,

So if you’re walking in her shoes, let your child’s birth be belated.

Maybe when you’re 25, you’ll look back and thank me

Because before you know yourself, it’s very hard to be

The mother you want to be.

Now I don’t feel this is the case for every single person, but a lot of women, between 20-25 really get the chance to find themselves and become the person they want to be. Before 18 at least, most people don’t have the funds to explore all the lifestyles and hobbies they may be curious about and even if you have, many of our interests change once we really reach adulthood and start to take on responsibility for ourselves. I would highly suggest waiting until at least 25 to consider having a baby. Even if you are like the girl in the story, who knew from childhood, that being a mother was the most important thing for her to do in life, just wait. Had she waited those 3-4 years, she would have been a very different woman. She would be more confident and more well-rounded. Her parenting might change and many things in her children’s lives would have changed. Again, I can’t say across the board that no one is ready to be a parent before 25, but I would highly suggest some major planning and SOUL SEARCHING before having a baby at any age! It’s A LOT of work and not something you can ever give up on or take back!